Sure, I'll Be Your Black Friend Read online

  Dedication

  To my father, Robert,

  for “Dream bigger and elsewhere.”

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Introduction

  One: Sure, I’ll Be Your Black Tell-All Writer

  Two: Ten Things to Know Before Befriending Me, or “Which Black Guy Are You Getting?”

  Three: The First Gift

  Four: Sure, I’ll Be Your Black Canadian

  Five: Sure, I’ll Be Your Black Foreign Kid

  Six: Sure, I’ll Be Your Anchor Baby

  Seven: Sure, I’ll Be Your Black Son

  Eight: Sure, I’ll Be Your Black Boyfriend

  Nine: How to Go through Life without Drowning, Part I

  Ten: Sure, I Guess I’ll Be Your Classic Name-Brand Cookie

  Eleven: How to Go through Life without Drowning, Part II

  Twelve: Boomerangs Come Back

  Thirteen: From Another Mother

  Fourteen: I Was Promised Ballplayers and Rap Stars, Addicted to the Limelight

  Fifteen: Sure, I’ll Be Your Woke Black Friend

  Sixteen: Sherman Klump v. Buddy Love

  Seventeen: Ivory Skin, Eyes of Something Green

  Eighteen: Sister, Sister

  Nineteen: Sure, I’ll Be Your Black Guy—Emphasis on Guy

  Twenty: How to Go through Life without Drowning, Part III

  Twenty-One: Song of the South

  Twenty-Two: Sure, I’ll Be Your Accessory to Larceny

  Twenty-Three: Sure, I’ll Be Your One That Got Away

  Twenty-Four: Black Ghost Goes, “Boo!”

  Twenty-Five: Sure, I’ll Be Your Black Sidekick

  Twenty-Six: Sure, I’ll Be Your 2016 Shithole Rescapee

  Twenty-Seven: Smile Through It

  Twenty-Eight: How to Live Strictly on Common Grounds

  Twenty-Nine: Sure, I’ll Be Your Bl— RACE WARS!!!

  Thirty: One of the Good Ones

  Thirty-One: Conclusion: How to Thrive in a Black Body at Any Age

  Lexicon to a Black Experience Narrative

  Acknowledgments

  Notes

  About the Author

  Also by Ben Philippe

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Introduction

  It is a truth universally acknowledged that a good white person of liberal leanings must be in want of a Black friend—especially when said good white person is in good fortune. (Rich people love a Black friend, but we will get to that later.)

  Hi!

  My name is Ben: I’m your new Black friend. Like any good friend, I aim to always be here for you and your concerns, as problematic as they may occasionally be. Let’s talk about our hopes and dreams, and feel free to ask me if I can swim. When you’re slightly inebriated, you can go on to tell me how white privilege isn’t a thing because your ex once cheated on you with one of your coworkers so how could your life ever be considered “privileged”? We will work through it all as buds, don’t you worry.

  Unless you’re someone who has no interest in mixing with “a colored”—and let’s face it, that tends to come with an aversion to books in the first place—a Black friend provides a flattering filter to your life. Group photos, parties, social media. Having one is a point of pride you’re not supposed to make too big a deal of but that others will notice around you. My quickstepping over to your table at the restaurant apologizing for running late will catch the eye and emphasize your ability to embrace someone who is different from you and truly celebrate diversity. I understand my societal power and will happily share it with you. I’m the person you glance toward at a comedy show when a comedian says something racial and vaguely problematic. The air will fill with awkward tension until I give—decree—the first guffaw. Only then will the rest of the room feel confident enough to laugh. Now that’s institutional power.

  This will not be a superficial friendship, mind you! I would never do that to you. Trust me: this is so much deeper than a BLM sticker on the Volvo. You will come to learn a truly uncomfortable amount about me by reading this book. This will be the equivalent of making prolonged eye contact sitting pretzel-style across from one another and holding hands. Nude. This book is the stand-in for a dozen grabbed beers at our regular hole-in-the-wall and thousands of non sequitur text messages. What you’re getting here is a Black friend with whom you can broach, pardon my français, the good stuff. Politics. Religion. Sexuality. Race. The heavy topics.

  After all, there’s an intimacy to discussing these things with your friends, isn’t there? These are the matters that fuel those late-night conversations after which two friends will either end up closer than ever or staring at each other from across a great divide, reconsidering everything that came before, no matter how many drinks they’ve downed together. And if you are taking a chance here, as you don’t normally “think about race that much,” don’t worry: you’re not the first person I’ve come across who does not typically burden themselves with this topic. You’re here for the friendship first, and race second. I’ve got you. What follows is more or less the written version of a few dozen beers grabbed at our local hangs, walks around the park, or subway rides heading in the same direction after an afternoon movie. Here lies an accumulation of stories, rants, tangents, arguments, and maybe even a few fights. If you are white, don’t worry: you’re not my first white friend. I’ve socialized with enough white people to have developed a sixth sense for the looming threat of a game of Cards Against Humanity and Whole Foods wine after dinner. I low-key enjoy those these days.

  Another reason why this might all be new, scary, dare I say titillating for you could be the old classic excuse that there just aren’t a lot of Black folks in your neck of the woods. This book might be your very first attempt at a Black friend, and that’s fine! Friendships, like a good cruise ship murder, are defined by means, motive, and opportunity. Despite good intentions, you might simply not have had access to Black people to befriend until now.

  For instance, a quick Wikipedia survey reveals that there are 1,216 African Americans in the town of Morgantown, West Virginia, which works out to about 4.1 percent of the town’s population. And I completely buy that all of these people might happen to suck. Black people aren’t unicorns; some of us profoundly suck, just like any ethnic grouping under the sun. They might make for bad friends who bring toxicity into your life and whose social media presence infuriates you. Or, they might all live on the same side of town that you simply never venture into—race and class are incestuously linked in America . . . So, yes: it might not be your fault.

  But, my new and maybe melanin-lacking friend, we have to be real with each other here, that’s the deal. So, I also have to inform you not having many (or any) Friends of Color could also be the result of assumptions, prejudices, and internalized thought patterns. I’m not talking down to you here—a good friend should never do that. I’m just saying that it’s important to admit our own biases when scoping the world for kinships, partners in crime, and emergency contacts.

  I myself have a true xenophobic loathing for the French tourists who swarm New York City every year only to loudly complain about everything the city has to offer while riding the subway, thinking they are speaking secret, bitchy Dothraki no one around them could possibly decode.

  “Non, mais sérieusement, les gars: allez chier. Les Québécois sont généralement corrects mais ciboire que vous êtes agaçants des fois les français de souche. Rentrez donc chez-vous si vous allez chier sur l’entièreté de la culture Américaine.” [spit]

  Quick sidebar: “African American” is kind of a misnomer in my case. Caribbean Canadian mig
ht be more geographically accurate? For one thing, I’m one of those Black guys whose mother tongue is, as displayed above, French. As a result, I can’t puff up my chest and retort, “I’m from America. I was born right here, you yokel!” if a bearded man or red-cheeked white woman frowns at my accent with a “Where you from, boy?” I’m from elsewhere. (The “boy” on the other hand, will still get you a well-earned invitation to go do something very unpleasant to your own body.)

  Because of this wrinkle of having been born Haitian, raised Canadian, and having adopted America as my third home in adulthood, conversations both about and around race have always been a fixture of my life. My Blackness is what you might call a little scattered. It took me a while to get the hang of it. Lots of books were read, and I’m still learning to this day. This can create complicated ripples around both white and Black people. Hell, I might make some egregious errors in this open friendship of ours. But, being Black is my default state. There is certainly no bravery or artistry to it. I don’t power up a crystal, and there is no Sailor Moon–type animation sequence: I only exist as Black. My skin is a blunt and obvious rock dropped into the lake of the world. Most of the time, I don’t have to do the work of sorting it out, as someone or something in the world will take it upon themselves to tell me exactly what shape my Blackness should take and if I’m doing it right or falling short. The world can be very good at doing that. So much so that I used to think that it was irrelevant to even concern myself with it at all.

  That approach would work until the moment it didn’t and awareness of my race suddenly filled the room. In the space of a conversation, I would find myself filled with Black thoughts, Black history, Black joy, and Black rage. Because race is one of those things that categorically does not matter between friends until it does. Until it becomes the most important thing in a room wherein every syllable feels like a potential misstep that might take down everyone in it. Hold your breath. Backpedal carefully. Look for a shift in tone. Hope for an exit.

  Please don’t say something that makes it impossible for us to hang like this again . . . Please don’t say something that makes it impossible for us to hang like this again . . . Please don’t say something that makes it impossible for us to hang like this again . . .

  I’ve experienced these moments many times, across all three countries I’ve called home, and these are what have inspired this book.

  And we might as well address it here: of course Black and white are not the only two races out there. They are the only two races that have had primacy in my life: the one of the guy who brushes his pearly teeth across from me in the bathroom mirror; and the white one, which has primacy in the world that same guy goes out into every day after rinsing and spitting. These are therefore the two that will be given the focus here. That is simply because they are all I’m comfortable writing about.

  Now, this is the part where you might bristle and say, “Actually, Ben, there is only one race . . . the human race.”

  I only ever hear that inspirational throw pillow from white people. You’re well on your way to an All Lives Matter Facebook post there, champ. The rest of us, on the margins, know that race is “a thing.” Certainly a thing worth writing about.

  Oh yeah. It should be said that, at some point, that mint-breathed guy in the mirror chose to become a writer. Look, I don’t quite know how, either. It’s weird for me, too. At first, there was fanfiction. Xander trading bodies with Angel and gently having sex with Buffy over the Hellmouth during an apocalypse: 56,000 words. NC-17. These borrowed stories became original ones in the form of my own novels centered around Black teenagers very loosely based on my own experiences, heightened into entertainment and clean three-act structures. What you’re reading now are attempts at unvarnishing those experiences. Well, some of them, at least. This is a tell-some, not a tell-all. Writing is messy, and race is messy. It seems like a match made in heaven.

  “Writing,” Toni Morrison once said, “is really a way of thinking—not just feeling but thinking about those things that are disparate, unresolved, mysterious, problematic, or just sweet.”

  It might not be as lofty as that. Maybe I became a writer simply because I could neither sing nor dance: my attention seeking required the props of pen and paper. It’s safe to say that we would not be here if I were good at playing the stock market.

  One last thing: there will be no expertise here. That is Ta-Nehisi Coates’s lane. That GQ model with the brain of a philosopher and the soulful gaze of a majestic national park deer. (Between the World and Me.) Likewise, if you are looking for effortless six-foot-two-inch-tall Black guy swagger and prose that will explode your stomach, see Damon Young. (What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Blacker.) Media confidence and literary steadfastness? Roxane Gay. (Bad Feminist: Essays.) Consistent hilarity? Samantha Irby. (All of her books. Every last one.) Ibi Zoboi is saving the next generation one book at a time right over there. The list goes on. Bookshelves are peppered with extraordinary, generation-defining writers tackling race. Their canon is necessary and powerful . . . and . . . this ain’t it, chief. I have more to say about Token from South Park than Martin Luther King Jr.’s last night on earth. For that, see Katori Hall’s extraordinary play, The Mountaintop.

  As your new Black writer friend, I will also give you a few book recommendations along the way. Especially when you don’t ask for them. I will then resent you when weeks and months pass without that recommendation being followed up on. Eventually, I will bring this up in the middle of a disagreement about something else entirely. “You never check out the books I recommend to you!” I’ll bellow while we wrestle on the sticky floor of a pub. That’s the sort of fun, volatile friendship you’re in for here. I can be a moody motherfucker who was born craving the last word in every argument. (See also: petulant and insecure. Hell, all in all, I might rate as “most average human” in a package that happens to be Black.)

  “Getting to know you is easy at first then completely impossible,” someone—who you will meet as “Mia” but whose name is not actually “Mia”—once told me, sitting on my bed watching me fold clothes into boxes, which was their way of helping me pack for a move. “You’re like a layer of whipped cream over a steel door.”

  It was a colorful metaphor that stuck with me partly because I might have phrased it the other way around; I fancy myself a thick steel door hiding nothing but fluff inside. I’m sure you’ll have an opinion by the end.

  All of this is to say that I might have already bamboozled you, as the Blackness that follows is purely Ben shaped; the expectation that you were getting an easy sidekick without an inner life was perhaps slightly exaggerated. Know what you are in for: there might be a needy, anxiety attack–riddled blerd (“Black nerd”) with a bottomless pit of very polite rage at the end of this friendly introductory fist bump.

  One

  Sure, I’ll Be Your Black Tell-All Writer

  NEW YORK CITY, NY

  YEAR: 2018

  POPULATION: 8,398,748 (BLACK POPULATION: 24.3 PERCENT)

  I AM TWENTY-NINE years old and officially settled. My bank account has—hold for applause—a third and fourth digit that don’t disappear as soon as the rent clears. The rent, it should be said, clears every month.

  I live in New York and teach at my old college. A college professor, of all things. It’s one of those things that just happened. Teaching, as it turns out, is just a matter of lying and pretending you know what you’re talking about while also believing the carefully constructed lies students feed you in return. The slew of emails asking for extensions, regrading papers, demanding seats in workshops due to extenuating circumstances, et cetera. They are endlessly creative little liars these days, and writing is just lying with a few adverbs thrown in for good measure. I’m grateful to get a consistent flow of interesting students in my classroom each semester. (A coworker told me it’s gauche for academics to badmouth other institutions. I would follow his advice if he didn’t teach at that Instagram filter with a real est
ate portfolio, NYU. No offense to the actual students of NYU. I speak only of your alma mater. I’m sure you’re all individually nifty.)

  Outside the ivory tower of academia, I’ve monetized my emotional stuntedness and published one young adult novel and submitted the outline for a second—real books, with spines, acknowledgments, and everything. The one-star reviews are long, which thrills a strange part of me. I’m verified on Twitter and appropriately pretend like I don’t care that I’m verified on Twitter when students bring it up.

  Tonight, I’m hanging out with Marty somewhere in Brooklyn. His name is not Marty, but since this is a book other people will read, all the names here are lies.

  My dog, left back home in Harlem tonight, is adorable. She’s a rescue, but I was shallow about it: I scoured the internet until the cutest orphan was available. A better person would have been happy giving a home to a pitbull with attachment issues, but they really shouldn’t let mutts with attachment issues foster mutts with attachment issues. A lab mix—heavy on the lab—for me. Blue, previously Gilmore II, previously Buddy. She belonged as a puppy to a medical student who got overwhelmed with school and wanted her to have a good home. I’ve tried.

  I’ve figured out my look: unpolished hipster. It’s a generic look, if not for my being Black, which adds polish to everything in New York. “A touch of street,” to quote an old girlfriend who gave me a chain once. I wear blazers and cardigans when I teach, Jordans when going to park cookouts with Black friends, and boat shoes when attending Caucasian-heavy rooftop parties. I know no one is paying attention until someone ends up paying attention.

  I like my roommate-less apartment. Not to be that guy, but in New York City, that’s half the battle. A tiny sliver of the world to call your own, even though the monthly $2,100 rent reminds you that it’s absolutely not. Living in New York means becoming an expert at maximizing the space between your toilet and your sink. From coffee maker to meditation corner, there’s honestly so much potential in that crease. In my neighborhood, Hamilton Heights, a few blocks away from musical sensation Alexander Hamilton’s old pad, that’s a very good price. It’s not that quiet uptown, but a very good price nonetheless. Every night I hope the owner doesn’t sell.